hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
