So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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