eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
