Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
