I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize