i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
