I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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