Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
