im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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