The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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