Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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