Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
