I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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