I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize