Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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