Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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