I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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