nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
