my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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