I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
