i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
