I think i peed on brittanys purse
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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