I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
