Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
