It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I want a musical about memes.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize