We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
