drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
