Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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