i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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