dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
