Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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