dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
