I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
