Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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