All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
