I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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