why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
