Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Randomize
