She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
