the condom got lost in my hair
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you inspire me to be a worse person
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
