we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
