i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
