I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
