The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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