Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
