She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
