I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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