I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize