I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
