Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
