why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
