Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize