hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
