I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
