can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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